The whiney, sarcastic, provocative words spew forth from his mouth faster than his colleague, Dan Fouts, could throw an out pattern. What on Earth (or in the heavens) powers the mind and mouth of Monday Night Football’s new analyst, Dennis Miller?

Equal Opportunity Rants

He seems like a nice guy. After all, Dennis Miller (born November 3, 1953, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania) does have a Libra Moon to soften his Sun and hard-cracking, dry Saturn in the bottom-dredging sign of Scorpio. He’s even got Mars in Libra. Shouldn’t the energy he expends be designed to tip the scales (balance and the scales are associated with Libra) in the interest of fairness? Like someone hunting scorpions in the desert, Miller leaves no stone, no topic and no person unturned. With his Venus-Neptune conjunction in Libra as well, Miller might contend that he’s an equal opportunity rant man. He covers it all with Neptunian mist. He has a keen understanding of our illusions (Neptune) of what we hold too near and dear (Venus).

To Tell the Truth

Miller would have been a great guest on the old game show To Tell the Truth. That’s what he does for a living—at least his version of the truth. With his Mercury barely over the line in the astrological state of Sagittarius, Miller has no choice but to blurt out the spikes originating deep inside his psyche. I’m convinced this is the only thing that prevents his head from exploding. Mercury, organizing the arrow quiver of the archer (the archer is the symbol for Sagittarius), manages to find all the necessary hidden barbs to give Miller his reputation as a loquacious linguist with a sardonic sarcasm rivaling the razor edge of Saturn’s sickle.

But He’s a Scorpio

Ooh, you’re a Scorpio? When people find you’re born under this sign, they either dash for cover or get in your face to find out if all the dastardly things written about Scorpio could possibly be true. It’s lonely inside Scorpio. Ask Miller. Even though he’s got a great wife and kids, it’s impossible for anyone outside himself to pervade those black holes of the psyche that bend every reality into a twisted perception, which hey, comes out sounding glib and funny.

With somber Saturn also lingering in the shadows of the deep, dark Scorpio, Miller must ask things like: “Why is it not fun?” “Why are people not happy?” “How in tarnation did most people f*** things up this much anyway?” So he makes us laugh. Often we laugh painfully, embarrassed by what he said. And we’re even more embarrassed that we’ve often thought the same thing. With stunning Mercury in Sagittarius alacrity and torch-bearing veracity, Miller tells the truth of what the majority thinks (if they think, of course). He’s a dredging barge of the river of the aggregate human psyche, which, of course, is associated with Scorpio.

Does a Shadow Reflect Light?

Scorpio, by nature, can’t control its fate, which is to reveal the darker images and motivations of the human condition. And it must ignite the fires of Hades to the point where they can illuminate and inspire even the edges of heaven. Apparently, Dennis Miller accepted this job description wholeheartedly on incarnation. If you find him edgy, then consider that his Scorpio-Sagittarius combinations offend your sacred cows and sensibilities, at which point he would suggest (with that trademark desert-dry verbal humidity) that you become a senseless vegetarian. Balance, part of the Libran dynamic, swings to the other absurdity. His penetration into hard-life reality forces us to reconsider our positions on all of our closely-held beliefs. One way or the other, you get swayed.

Miller, like it or not, gets to the bottom layer of silt in the Mississippi River of muddled psyches. His Martian edge, Mercurial points and Scorpio overlays stir the waters into frenzied debate. He now takes on the sport of football, which by its nature offers speculations on the topic of sanity, not to mention intelligence (I’ll leave that to Miller). We eagerly wait as a sacred American institution—Monday Night Football—willingly places its neck in Miller’s lexical guillotine.

How Will He Do?

How will Dennis do on his first night out? With Jupiter in Gemini and Saturn in Taurus opposing Mercury, the planet of communication, expect mixed reviews. Those who love Dennis Miller will enjoy the show, and true believers in his dry wit will continue to do so. Those who find him obnoxious will use Saturn's presence to classify his humor as adolescent. The upside is that Miller will have people who don't normally watch football tuning in, at least at first. It's all about money. With Saturn currently in Taurus, as long as he draws, he's secure. But you just watch. He's gonna be better than we all expect.