StarIQ.com's Cosmic Correspondent Kim Rogers-Gallagher has been invited to the planets' secret hangout. She's the first astrologer to enter this starry domain, and reports regularly on her findings there.

Cosmic Café 39:
Jupiter Really Loses His Temper

Jupiter's voice boomed through the room from the VCR. My cat sat straight up, his eyes wide. Then he dashed into my bedroom and under the bed—his favorite hiding spot for whenever I brought out his nemesis, the dreaded vacuum-cleaner monster.

Meanwhile, the videotaped battle raged on.

"Hey, lookit, you royal pain in the ass. Everybody deserves to be spoiled every now and then—and I don't need your damned permission to do it! Ever since you back-tracked into Taurus and put that stupid uniform back on, you've been worse than ever! What are you trying to do? Make up for three months in Gemini? Make your last six months in Taurus even harder? Or were you just looking to feel important?"

It was true. Saturn was plenty tough to deal with in any sign, but in Taurus, he was especially fixed and unyielding, like an anchor. A heavy, lead anchor. Talk about fun.

"I don't need to feel anything, Jupiter," Saturn retorted. "I know I'm important, and feelings aren't my business. Business is my business." He shifted his rigid body just a touch, obviously pleased with himself. No, it was official. I didn't like this guy—not one little tiny bit.

"Yeah, right. And how's she supposed to be productive and do business when she's on pain medication? Ever think about that one?"

"She's not. She doesn't need it—it's just a crutch," Saturn answered, with a wry smile. "If you'll pardon the pun."

That did it. Jupiter stood up, took hold of the table, and turned it over—right in front of Saturn, who never even blinked. "That's not funny, you son of a…Look, I'm not going to mess with you any more. It's like dealing with a damned brick wall."

How appropriate. I remembered being told by a very wise astrologer once that Saturn was the planet who built walls of stone. And while, at times, those walls lined the road and kept you on your path, at other times they fell across the road and impeded progress. I glanced at the cast on my leg and realized that it, too, was a stone wall of sorts, designed for protection against further harm—to keep me on my path. But it sure did feel like the other side of the coin—a giant roadblock specifically engineered to stop movement. I sighed and looked back at the television.

Saturn smiled—at least, I think that's what that twisted look on his face was. "Why, thank you, Jupiter. I didn't expect a compliment from you today." More sarcasm. Funny—I'd never realized just how maddening sarcasm could be—especially when it was delivered by the planet who'd invented it.

"I just want you to know one thing, Saturn," Jupiter was saying. "If you try anything like this again, you'll have to deal with me."

Mercury jumped up at that, and pointed at the television. "Now, check this out, girlfriend—check this out!"

"And me." A door slammed, as the voice from the back of the Café made both gods turn. It was Mars in Leo, who apparently had made good on his promise to watch Jupiter's back. As he stepped into camera range, I saw that his arms were crossed behind his back, and with that gorgeous, perfectly tailored red and black suit he was wearing, he reminded me of John Gotti, the well-dressed, charming gangster who the media had once labeled “the teflon don.” Wasn't this just a perfect costume for Mars in showy, dramatic Leo? My own Mars in Scorpio was fascinated—and more than a bit attracted to this dashing fellow.

"Oh, I see," Saturn said, smiling that twisted smile again. "Mars wants to play, too, does he?"

Saturn opened his mouth to say something else, when suddenly the Moon burst through the kitchen door, with lovely Venus in tow. The Moon was crying, and obviously very upset. "All right, that's enough! That's enough!"

Jupiter's heart was broken. He went to her immediately, and put his great big arms around her. "Ssh, Momma Moon—it's okay. We were just talkin'. It's okay."

As Jupiter consoled the Moon, Mars stood in front of the toppled table. "It's time for you to take off, Saturn." Mars stared at the uniformed figure, his face bright red—of course—his fists now clenched. "Look. I don't want to make the Moon any more upset than she already is. But I'm perfectly willing to toss you out on your skinny ass if you don't go right now. Right now!"

Well, now. Here was a situation I'd always wondered about. In battles between Saturn and Mars—or any two planets, for that matter, who'd win? Who was stronger? In this case, would it be the god of war or the military general?

Next Week: The Mars-Saturn Showdown