StarIQ.com's Cosmic Correspondent Kim Rogers-Gallagher has been invited to the planets' secret hangout. She's the first astrologer to enter this starry domain, and reports regularly on her findings there.

Cosmic Café 49:
Venus and Mars Show Off Their Brand New Outfits

The helicopter ride was marvelous. Jupiter, of course, being the head of the department of long-distance travel, was quite the pilot—and quite the tour guide. My travel-loving uncle arranged a veritable buffet of attractions as he guided the helicopter over the desert Southwest. After our second time around the north rim of the Grand Canyon, I closed my eyes for a quick power nap, but when I opened them again I was home.

It was morning, I was snuggled up in my own bed and I wasn't quite sure if I'd dreamt the entire adventure. Then my galactic cell phone rang and Jupiter's merry voice boomed out at me. "Hey, babe, it's me. You rested up? Because you gotta get down here as soon as you can. Venus and Mars switched outfits, and they're really goin' at it! You don't want to miss this, honey. It's priceless."

"Okay," I said, sitting up. "I'll be there in a little bit. Can you keep them there?"

"Oh, I don't think they'll be going anywhere for quite a while, babe—but yeah, hurry. This you gotta see."

I had no idea how right he was.

I dressed quickly and drove to the Café, stepping through the door just in time to feel something whiz by my head. Reminding myself that I had a Mars-Uranus square—a tense relationship between the warrior planet and the planet of surprises in my own chart—and could be injured at any moment (under extremely unusual circumstances, too), I immediately ducked under a table, not at all prepared for the cosmic floor show I was about to see.

From my spot beneath the table, I heard what sounded like a pair of lovers arguing. I recognized the voices—it was most definitely Venus and Mars, and yes, they had changed costumes since I'd seen them last. Instead of being in loving, romantic water-sign moods, Venus was in Aries and Mars was in Sagittarius, and they were feeling…oh, a bit fiery let's say—if you'll pardon the pun.

Venus in particular was ready to demonstrate. "I can't believe it! I can't believe even you would do this to me!"

"Baby, baby, I'm sorry! I forgot!"

"Then cancel it!" she screamed. "Right now!"

"I can't, babe—I've got money riding on this game, and Jupiter's already got the tickets." Ah, yes. Any planet in Sag loves sports—but Mars in Sag is especially fond of them. He paused for a second, then quickly added, "But, hey, I can probably get another ticket. You wanna go?"

I almost giggled—and was immediately glad I hadn't.

"Do I want to go to a baseball game on my birthday?! Are you joking?" Venus screamed. She lunged at him, trying to slap his face and kicking like a madwoman. "Why don't you just buy me a vacuum cleaner while you're at it?"

He stepped back from her, holding his hands in front of him. "Sorry, babe, sorry, sorry, sorry. I thought you might like it."

Apparently, he was dead wrong on that one. Venus hopped the bar and grabbed another handful of glasses.

Mars dove under the table next to me just in time to avoid being hit by a flying glass. It shattered on the wall behind the table, breaking into a thousand razor-sharp splinters. Calmly, he lit a cigarette, turned to me and said, "Isn't she beautiful when she's mad?"

"I don't know," I answered. "I'm afraid to look." It made sense that Mars would feel that way, however. Aries was the personal property of "the red planet," after all—so if anyone was up for a lady in red with an equally red-hot temper, he'd be. In fact, Venus in Aries just had to be darned near irresistible to Mars, regardless of the sign he was in. But if he was wearing Sag, another fire sign, they were once again quite well matched.

Proof arrived via another glass, which found its mark just above Mars' knees. "Woo! That was close! Ten points, babe!" he shouted. "But are you consistent? Can you do it again?" Yep. This was definitely Mars in Sag, a sign that seems to find humor in just about everything. I thought of Jack Nicholson, and his famous "Heeeere's Johnny!" scene from The Shining. I still remembered how a furious Nicholson somehow managed to make an audience laugh with his own Sagittarian Mars—despite the fact that he was pursuing his wife with an ax. Mars seemed to be having an equally good time with this particular battle. Judging by the look of the Café floor, which was strewn with broken plates and shards of glass, the fight had been raging on for some time now, but he'd certainly managed to keep his Sagittarian sense of humor intact.

I tried to peek out from behind the tablecloth for a second, but when another glass hit the floor, I retreated behind Mars. Venus had been “wearing” the sign Aries when we'd first met. I'd seen then how she was dressed, in her tight red mini skirt, stalking around on four-inch spike heels—also red, of course. She was wearing that outfit, now, and her face was a bit on the red side at the moment, too. She was showing off another side of her personality in Mars' sign: a red-hot bullet of a temper. "Get your butt out here!" she yelled. "And who the hell is under there with you, anyway?"

Uh oh. I was doomed. Venus is the goddess of love, but in this frame of mind, she was primed for war.

What the hell was I going to do?

Next Week: Will Kim Be Venus' Next Target?