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To
the tune of
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
You'd better
watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better not pout
I’m tellin’ you why
Saturn’s claws are coming around.
He’s making
a list
Checking it twice
Gonna make sure
You pay the price
Saturn’s claws are coming around.
He knows
when you’ve be playing.
He knows when you’re at work.
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
And he knows if you’re a jerk!
So, you'd better
watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better not pout
I’m tellin’ you why
Saturn’s claws are coming around.
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To
the tune of
"Deck the Halls"
Deck your
charts with trines and sextiles
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Put your client charts in piles
Fa la la la la, la la la la
The ones with lots of squares go here
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
All the others have good cheer
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Call the
Leos, throw a party
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Let the Geminis all be tardy
Fa la la la la, la la la la
The Aries will of course come early
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
And the earth signs will come surely
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Have the
Cancers bring the food
Fa la la la la, la la la la
The Sagittarians will be rude
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Scorpios are up to no good
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Capricorns will do just as they should
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Now the Christmas
party’s ended
Fa la la la la, la la la la
All the signs have been offended
Fa la la la la, la la la la
We each go back to our natal chart
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
And we ply our cosmic art
Fa la la la la, la la la la
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To
the tune of
"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
Come
rest your pens and ephemeris
There’s nothing you should do
Today your new computer came
To calculate charts for you
To save us from that dreary work
More time to ply our arts—
Oh, tidings of calculated charts,
Calculated charts
Good tidings of calculated charts
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To
the tune of
"O Little Town of Bethlehem"
O retrograde
of Mercury
How oddly thou behave
Instead of normal movement swift
Reversing twenty days.
And in this odd time whineth
Communication nerds
Who do complain under the strain
That we must eat our words.
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To
the tune of
"Come All Ye Faithful"
Come
all ye planets
Jupiter and Saturn
Neptune, Uranus, and Mercury!
Come
and behold Mars,
Venus, Earth, and Pluto
Oh come let us observe them
Oh come let us observe them
Oh come let us observe them
In our lives.
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To
the tune of
"Jingle Bells"
Drawing
up the chart;
But I'm running late;
The client's on her way;
I guess she'll have to wait!
The
client's at the door.
The chart is just complete.
No time now to check my work
But I am sure not beat! Oh!
Draw
the chart, Draw the chart
Make it all look great!
Fill in all the signs and lines
That show the client's fate.
Take
your time, Sing this rhyme.
Astrology is fun;
It's a good thing she won't know
That I just got it done!
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To
the tune of
"O Christmas Tree"
O Jupiter,
O Jupiter,
How lovely are thy transits.
O Jupiter,
O Jupiter,
How lovely are thy transits.
You
make the worst seem okay
You make the hardest work seem play
O Jupiter,
O Jupiter,
How lovely are thy transits.
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To
the tune of
"Rudolf, the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
Pluto,
the coldest planet
Had a very hidden side
And if you ever felt it
You would know how it applied
All
of the other planets
Seemed so light and full of glee
When, set next to deep, dark Pluto
With his intense mystery.
Then
one Saturn transit came
A burden came to stay
But Pluto with his trine so bright
Eased the pressure of that night
Then
all the planets loved him
And they moved so rapidly
But Pluto, the deep, dark planet
Kept his intense mystery.
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To
the tune of
"Good King Wenceslas"
Drawing
up a chart to read
For a brand new client
Who wants to better understand
A complicated event
Frankly I don't want to give
Another shallow reading
So I look for more aspects
For meaning that I'm needing
Looking
for the squares and trines
To the natal planets
When the transits hit those points
I hope that he can stand it.
There's an aspect to his moon
From Mars conjucting Saturn
When Uranus comes on through
He won't know which way to turn.
But
now he really wants to know
If he'll ever act on stage
And if he does get the part
Will he make a decent wage?
I can see the pattern clear
On this Tuesday morning
With Jupiter now in his Fifth,
He'll have his Broadway opening.
He's
advised to listen up
And see the cosmic pattern
Heed the wisdom of the stars
From Jupiter and Saturn.
Later in that very day
After the client's session
I thank the stars for what they give
That opens our perception.
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